Disclaimer: I don't own Gundam Wing, dunno who does, don't sue me.

Portrait of a Warrior as a Depressed Peacecraft

I am Zechs Merquise. Not Milliardo Peacecraft. I don't deserve that name. Probably never did, but I'm not sure. It's hard to recall. My life is so steeped in blood now that I can't tell whether I ever really was fit to be a Peacecraft or not. Maybe yes, maybe no.

When I was younger, I remember studying the accounts of wars avidly. Everything about battle was entrancing. That was probably the start of my degeneration as a member of Peacecraft. Now it seems idiotic to me. In the books it was glorious and heroic. In reality, it is horrible. So many people have died because of my orders.

'The Lightning Count'. Hah. That's what they call me, those who don't see my mind. To them, I am a hero. Within, I know that I am one whose importance, whose stripes, have been earned by destroying the lives of others. How many families have been left without fathers, without sons and brothers and uncles and cousins, oh God, I don't know how many but whatever the number, it's too much. Even one is too much.

I didn't see that all those years ago. When I took revenge for the death of my family, I was half-mad. The values of my own family escaped me, even though it was them I was fighting for. I'm ashamed of myself. It seems like I have been for a very long time. Why else would I wear this mask?

But I'm fooling myself. Simply because I cover my face and repent my sins, that does not mean that I am cleansed of the blood. Once I went through old texts rapidly, searching for anything that seemed interesting, especially about fighting. At this moment in time, I now recall one such book vividly. An old religious book. The Christian Bible.

My sister travels about preaching for peace like her forefathers and mothers. She is so calm, so peaceful, though she knows what war is. I am Cain to Relena's Abel. We both offer our particular gifts, one of war and one of peace, but mine does not seem to be accepted. It may never have been meant to be accepted. The one discrepancy between the tale and my relationship with my sister is that I could never bring myself to hurt her. No matter what, not even if I was offered gold, jewels, or the entire universe, could I hurt Relena. She is the only one left.

Right now my thoughts must turn to something else. The boys, the Gundam pilots. I knew that the colonies were rebelling, but I never thought they would do something like this. Five boys piloting the most dangerous weapons known to all mankind. Whoever made the Gundams may not be totally insane, but they do seem to be half there. True, all of those pilots are incredible, but it seems cruel to do something like that to one who should still have some faith in the world. Most of all Heero Yuy, the one who seems to be the most important.

With the way he acts, he seems to have no heart, but Relena loves him. Despite the fact that he is a ruthless killer. It is how he was raised, not how he necessarily is at heart. I should know that, but I hate him sometimes anyway. And sometimes I pity him. I pity all five of them. But especially him. He shouldn't be the one trying to kill himself to save the colonies. Just because it is a noble cause doesn't mean boys should do that. They shouldn't be the ones dying, even if it is to save others. They shouldn't be the cynical ones. It's much too early in their lives for that.

Even so, can I change it? No.

But I can still wish.